Why do you do this so easily? You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe. Not sure why I can’t think of anyone else, even now, after all we’ve been through… I should hate you, but I don’t. I never will. I won’t ever admit to loving you romantically just cuz I know you’d never feel the same. It’s embarrassing that everyone sees what I try to hide so hard. I wish I was over you, but ever since I met you, that becomes more impossible to do every day. It’s weird that I truly do see you as just my brother and close friend, but the second you tell me we should be more I won’t say no. I don’t have to worry about that though cuz you never will. Consider me annoyed with myself cuz you obviously haven’t done this to me on purpose. I shall forever be in denial of loving you because how else will I be able to stay your “sis” happy for you when you get at all these other girls? You kiss my friends and even my own sister. What was I thinking letting you steal my first kiss? I don’t regret it but it also shouldn’t have happened. It shows how easily I’ll give in to you, I’ll give you what you want even if I know you’ll never do the same for me…

so what did i not do i wonder? what was i supposed to do? even more i ponder…was i not smart, cool, or pretty enough? what does it mean to be your type? what does it even mean to have a type? it seems that all i do is disappoint which i guess means i really shouldn’t complain when the favor is returned  

i’m not sure where to go or why i’m here, what’s my purpose or worth in this world or what difference i make in anyone’s lives? even though i know i’m loved i just can’t feel it cuz i’ve laughed the pain away my entire life and so now it’s just over flowing and my brain can’t take it, who knows what’s left of my heart. i’m not even sure why i’m on here again cuz i remember deciding a long time ago that it’s not a good idea… yet here i am again. funny how when i feel alone i vent to the internet… supposedly private internet…